Cupid's Disease!

Looks like you've been shot in the name of love. Years ago, you noticed some lesions, half a year later, it was an annoying rash and bubbly lymph nodes. Then it all went away. You chalked it up to all that time you spent looting the empty houses around Chernobyl. Twenty years later, you are getting an increasing itch to invade neighboring countries and nominate your horse to rule the roman republic. If your goal is to make it into the history books, you're in good company with the likes of Idi Amin, Hitler, Henry XIII, Al Capone, Ivan the Terrible, Lenin, Howard Hughes and Nietsche suffering from the same affliction. However, if you're not into killing most of your fellow countrymen, beheading your exes, advancing communism, peeing in bottles, or depressing college students, I suggest you get thee to a round of Penicillin.

Congratualtions! You have Syphilis.


Tip of the Day: Save your sugar coated love until the antibiotics take effect.

Influenza, how do I love thee?

Sure, you knew it was risky going to a clinic that barters services for chickens, but they cured your Dengue, right? Problem is, there are thousands of type of flu. And, that crapheap you call a hospital could only afford the salmon flu vaccine. Only they didn’t tell you that. Confident you had avoided the influenza season, you returned to your post as the crack dealing goat-herder. When your goats start coughing and sniffling and then you pursue the same course of illness, your vaccine doesn’t help too much. Rather the opposite. Your body thinks that because you are infected with Salmon Flu because you mainlined dead salmon flu last week. Your immune system is about as picky as a horny teenager. Seen one flu? Seen ‘em all. So, it treats the Goat Flu like it treated the Salmon Flu. Takes it to the same movie, restaurant, place to park for getting’ busy. Then, it accidentally calls Goat Flu “Salmon Flu” while getting all hot and bothered and Goat Flu pulls back. “You call me that ho’s name? I will END YOU!” All because Body mistook Goat Flu for another ho flu and treated her thusly.

Congratulations! You are suffering from Original Antigenic Sin.

Tip of the day: Use your idiotic tendency to mistake identity to tell the fat lady that runs the corner store that she looks like Carmen Electra. Someone’s getting lucky!

Bonecrusher Disease

While walking around Ankor Wat last week and getting your zen on, a mosquito perched on your arm for a quick snack. In deference to the bhuddist temple, you waved it away and, with a quiet ‘namaste’, bade it farewell. A few days later, you wake wretching onto the plush carpet of your 4 star hotel. A quick check reveals your temperature is hotter than the Cambodian cuisine and your platelet count is lower than their GNP. The joint pain from your 'break bone fever' doesn’t start up until after you steal a water buffalo from a cross-dressing drug addict ranting about the price of bananas. By the time you reach the clinic (which is really just a mud hut converted from a toddler’s lemonade stand), your skin is covered by a red spotty rash which you have begun playing connect the dots on. Eventually, the nurse pulls you from the beast, gives you a titty-twister causing spontaneous bruising and checks your diminished breath sounds. She stabs you with a large needle to drain your excess fluid while handing you water to chug. After 4 days of bleeding from every orifice and occasionally hallucinating that you are Celine Dion from the pain, you are delighted that you only have 3 more days of this. And don’t worry, your impulsive decision to change your tickets from HOTlanta to Phnom Penh didn’t cause this, this disease is prevalent in the US as well. However, your refusal to don mosquito netting because it wasn’t ‘manly’ puts the blame squarely on your diseased, shrunken shoulders.

Congratulations! You have Dengue Fever.

Tip of the Day: Turn your pain into song. The world is waiting for the next haemorrhagic fever ballad.