Tribe Proteae

If that blood in you urine hasn't got you down yet, those colicky waves of mind exploding pain will soon enough. After about 30 days of recurrent, gut-wreching pain, the docs hook your family jewels to a modified car battery and flip the switch. After spasming, screaming and Swingers-esque swearing, that kidney stone crumbled on itself like an anorexic cheerleader. A year later when you showed with the same syptoms and predisposition to liken the nursing staff to lazy hookers, they decided to run more tests. Your MacConkey agar plate dispelled that pesky notion that you could metabolize lactose. And, your urine tested to be so akaline it could be used to bleach those stubborn whites. A couple rounds of anitbiotics should help since those kidney stones are recurring and harbor all those nasty bacteria holed up in your johnson.

Congratulations! You are infected with proteus mirabilis.

Tip of the Day: Proteus Mirabilis broken down means (old sea god + plant species). Given that all forms of sickness are signs from the gods in your primitive religion, you are now required to build a green house at the bottom of the atlantic.